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I swiped left. But not before taking a screenshot. This is a hairy chest, and this is a ruler.

I swiped left. But not before taking a screenshot. This is a hairy chest, and this is a ruler.

He’s apparently very serious about something. Unfortunately he deleted his account shortly after I took this screenshot so I’ll never know what he’s so serious about. Too bad.

He’s apparently very serious about something. Unfortunately he deleted his account shortly after I took this screenshot so I’ll never know what he’s so serious about. Too bad.

This ends in an Ambulance.

This began in a Starbucks. He was the cute barista, and I was the cute coffee drinker. 

He asked me out after chatting for a few weeks and I said yes. We went hiking a couple of times, it was simple and sweet and uncomplicated. It should have ended there.

So he suggests we go to a morning yoga class. I used to do yoga all the time, but it had been a while so I readily agreed. He didn’t tell me it was a Bikram yoga class.

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Maybe it’ll work the second time…? Nope. It doesn’t.

Maybe it’ll work the second time…? Nope. It doesn’t.

OooOOooohhh! A deranged ex and stalkers? Where do I sign up?

OooOOooohhh! A deranged ex and stalkers? Where do I sign up?

Motorcycle Mike

Ok. So I went on a Tinder Date on Sunday with Motorcycle Mike*. Try to guess what we did. Can you?

We rode around on his motorcycle. Completely nuts. I know. We literally met in a parking lot, chatted for a few minutes and then helmeted up and I hopped on the back and off we went. I have a death wish.

I did bring pepper spray, though!

It was fun enough, he was attempting to hold my hand while driving with the other and I just didn’t dig that so much.

So after we drive around for about an hour, we grab some starbucks to chat and after about five minutes of hearing him talk I just know this is going no where. Nothing against him, I’m just not feeling it. No spark, no click, no je ne sais quoi.

He’s texting me through the week and I’m not making it a priority to respond and I’m feeling bad about that. He wants to make elaborate date plans for Saturday and I tell him let’s see.

So Friday rolls around and he’s all:
“Are we still on for tomorrow? You aren’t being very communicative 😛”

Ugh, men and smiley faces.

So I respond, (and stay with me, this is going somewhere):
“Hey, I’m so sorry I haven’t been available. I had a fun time the other day but I don’t feel this is going to work.”

And he’s all:
“Will you give me constructive criticism? Be really honest”.

Sigh.

Me:
“It’s honestly nothing you did, I just didn’t feel that spark.”

And then he’s like oh well they say you should give it another try and blah blah and I’m over it!

So the next morning he texts me.
“this sucks.”

And I ignore it. Because really dude, get over it.

THEN he texts AGAIN! Saying how he had fun plans and he’s so bummed because all his friends are working or studying.

I say:
“Look, we only met once. Please stop texting me.”

And of course now I’m a bitch.

Him:
“Holy shit. Wow. Rude.”
“That’s the best thing you could have done. Rude and crass. Huge turn off. What a mean spirited person.”

Grow up, be a man. Learn how to accept rejection.

*not actually his name

How’s it going? Hey, how’s it going? How’s it going? Howsitgoinghowsitgoinghowsitgoing?

How’s it going? Hey, how’s it going? How’s it going? Howsitgoinghowsitgoinghowsitgoing?

Last night I went on a Tinder Date to this cool new Barcade in Scottsdale.  I had to leave a tag.

Last night I went on a Tinder Date to this cool new Barcade in Scottsdale. I had to leave a tag.

The essentials for a Tinder first date. 

1) Clif bar so I don’t eat like a pig.
2) Lip gloss so’s my lips look pretty.
3) Gum so my breath don’t stank.
And
4) Pepper spray in case he decides to act a fool.

The essentials for a Tinder first date.

1) Clif bar so I don’t eat like a pig.
2) Lip gloss so’s my lips look pretty.
3) Gum so my breath don’t stank.
And
4) Pepper spray in case he decides to act a fool.

Your devoted author.

Your devoted author.